Image

First Fruits

Little Drummer Boy, my firstborn, turned five yesterday. You can all share a collective sigh of amazement with me, and possibly pass the tissues. He’s my firstborn. And he’s five years old. It’s taking some getting used to. In August he will start “big school” and launch a whole new trajectory of independence. As with every stage, he’s forging the way Bug and Baby Girl will follow all too quickly.

Whether we like it or not, firstborns seem to prime the pump by virtue of their very newness. They are the first fruit of anything (or anyone) else to come. LDB set the scene for pregnancy, childbirth, infancy, and all the developmental stages beyond. He christened me in all those areas. I was wide-eyed in wonder most of the time and hyper-sensitive to each nuance. He formed the assumptions upon which those same experiences with his siblings to follow were based. While I’ve resisted the urge to compare and contrast, it happens. His has been the benchmark by which all their stages have been measured — not in terms of good or bad, but in the way of expectations and the anticipation of growth or change. His has been the benchmark of change in myself, the transformation of woman to mother and all the complicated soul-immersion that title entails.

I named him Little Drummer Boy in this venue because during his toddler years, he always seemed to follow the beat in his own head, and he pressed anything and everything around him into the service of articulating that syncopation. As he’s grown, he’s become less enamored with the perpetual and all-encompassing trap set, and more involved with the typical car chases, fire emergencies and train adventures in which boys are usually found. However, I still notice his beat. It’s the one heard in his plethora of very distinctive sound effects. It’s the one found in his unending toy sagas where rockets and dinosaurs seem to thicken the plot every time. I have yet to find it in my heart to call him anything shortened for blog-aging purposes. This particular Drummer is and will always be MY Little and Boy as well.

He was born four weeks early, to the day. Little Drummer Boy’s unexpected birth on May 2 came after some minor concerns during the last part of my pregnancy. My doctors’ good care and cautious natures recognized that the risks possible with LDB were minimal, but insisted on consistent sonograms and stress tests to confirm their suspicions. Therefore, I saw lots of pictures of Little Drummer Boy before he was born. Those sonograms were difficult emotionally. The fear in waiting for results each time was inescapable, even though I knew there was likely no need for concern. They were difficult because they made LDB so real. Yes, I knew he was real. I had felt his early movements. But, in seeing his tiny and newly formed body, I fell in love with him. Completely. It changed me. It changed so much about how I saw things. How I saw Little Drummer Boy, how I saw myself and my life, and how I saw the rest of the world. I think I’m only just now getting past that gripping fear of knowing my whole world was wrapped up in this other new person.

Little Drummer Boy offered first glimpses of that wonder of having another human being formed inside me. The most amazing thing I remember about being pregnant with LDB was feeling him move. I so vividly remember that feeling of having him touching me from the inside. It was strange and amazing all at the same time. And, while I wasn’t overly romantic or existential about this unique womanly experience, it was unforgettable. I can also clearly remember that moment when he was out of my belly. There was such a void there. I was empty, but relieved all at the same time. It brought so much joy to hear him cry and see him and hold him in my arms the first time. I remember those feelings with each of my children, but I suppose they were most poignant with Little Drummer Boy. My experiences with Bug and Baby Girl were certainly no less precious or significant, but their births simply had the reality of not being first. The wonder was still incredibly wonderful, only not the wonder of a first “weaving.”

Little Drummer Boy offered me first fruits… The first fruits of watching my very heart sitting outside my body. The first fruits of love that is unquenchable–by the dirtiest of diapers or the loudest shout of “no” or the most frustratingly tearful bedtime. First fruits of wishing I could control the entire world, but knowing I’ll never be able to do that. First fruits of being sure I’ll never know any greater joy than this moment, only to have the next moment surpass it. He offered the first fruits of realizing this other person, this other tiny soul, is totally dependent on me. The first fruits of dreading that day when he’ll be disappointed. First fruits of knowing, as impossible as it seemed during those beginning years, that he would live to make a wrong choice at some point because that’s what humans do. Firstborn sadness of seeing that wrong choice and knowing I’d give him ten thousand other chances to get it right, plus one more. Firstborn fruit is sweet. And bitter. And utterly defying of description, although I’m desperately trying.

When I think about how small Little Drummer Boy was when he was born and how he just covers me now when he sits in my lap, I can’t believe it. I find myself thanking God he still wants to sit in my lap. LDB is a gentle and curious spirit. He has a big vocabulary, loves books, and loves stories–mainly telling them. He always has a story line going on in his head. It incorporates everything he’s interested in at a given moment, so his story is a precious picture of his heart and mind I want to discipline myself to hear with undivided attention. My Little Drummer is very inquisitive, but also very cautious. He is my child who always contemplates before making a move. He doesn’t always do new things very quickly, but he’s a very thoughtful child. He is quick to say “I love you,” perhaps because I tell him so often myself out of sheer necessity in my soul. He says it without being prompted. He often says it first. First fruits from my firstborn. He changed my life.

Little Drummer Boy, my firstborn, turned five yesterday.

Comments

  1. So sweet…made me a little verklempt thinking of my own daughter…Congrats on this milestone for both you and Little Drummer Boy!

  2. Hi Haley, this was a very sweet post indeed! I can only imagine how you felt when you first held him with your hands. You clearly described it with words. Someday, I look forward to being in your position.

    Anna

  3. What a wonderful heartfelt story on LDB. I don’t have any children. When I read this, it made me sad to think of all the joy I missed out on by not having any.

    I thank you for sharing your wonderful experiences with your first born in your blog.

    • Thank you for your kind words, Anne. If there is one thing I’ve learned FROM my children it is that love is a gift and it makes an impact wherever you give it. Even without children, the love you give to others makes a difference. And, while the joy of children may be unique, it’s only one way engaging with others can bring us joy. Bless you!

  4. What a sweet story. I don’t have any children but my most favorite sounds in the world is an infants laugh and hearing their voice, I even like to hear them cry. I just love those sounds.

  5. Haley,
    You brought back so many wonderful memories of my own firstborn experience. It is so true how the first one becomes the benchmark for all the others – even though we try not to compare (as you mentioned!). I had a similar experience with my first one arriving too early. It was touch and go for awhile. Thank goodness, my next two births went much smoother. Thanks for reminding me how blessed I am! Wishing your little man great fun in “big school.” 🙂
    Renee

  6. That’s so sweet Haley! What captivated me especially was the realization of another human being, a living creature, given life from you, created by you. That would totally stump my mind…well, it kind of does since I’m not a female.=) But I can understand and imagine the feeling.

    Kids are so wonderful and curious, walking embodiments of wonder and amazement. And we need to cherish them especially when they’re still kids.

  7. Happy Birthday to LDB!
    Haley, I love your writing! This story reminds me of my son and all the years he was growing up. He’s 25 now! Time with our children is very precious, so savor every moment.

    Thank you for a wonderful story!
    Peggy

  8. Haley that was beautiful and touched my heart as I’m the mom of 2 boys and just went through some pics of them when they were 4 and 7, now 10 and 14 and how little they were. Now one is almost as tall as me and the other can’t wait! Enjoy every precious moment with LBD.

  9. A great telling of this story- being a first born and having a first born, I can identify from many angles of your story. I to remember the first moment I felt my first child move inside of me, I was 18 at the time and was totally amazed and that was 38 years ago. It and she changed my life.Thank you for sharing this precious story

  10. Beautifully said! I was a first born…never had one of my own (possibly the only thing I regret…maybe) and now the proud grandmother of a firstborn grand daughter through my step son! While not of my blood, the pleasure, joy and pure love that wells up every time I see her, think of her, hold her is incredible. She is only 7 months old…I look forward to each and every stage! Happy Birthday LDB!

Divider Footer