“She bears watching.”
It was a statement I heard my grandfather say about my grandmother on several occasions. “She bears watching.” It kind of makes me giggle to think about it again because it was so true. My grandmother’s birthday was in early December. She’s been gone for over ten years now, but she was (and still is) a strong influence in my life. I was thinking about her recently and this observation from her husband.
If there’s one true thing about my grandmother, it was that you never knew what she might do with the raw materials before her. She was ingenious, creative and thrifty. She had a hearty laugh and a coy smile. Her spirit was exuberant. She wore her heart on her sleeve and was proud of it. To me, she never seemed enamored of ridiculous trends. She always seemed very comfortable with herself. Perhaps that was the by-product of experience and a well-lived life, but I usually attribute it to her own resolve to be who she was. And though she molded herself with each conversation to enjoy the person before her, she never lost that essence of herself. She often marveled at the world changes in her lifetime, the inventions, the new ideas. And she acclimated to each one. She basked in the attention of others. She never shied away from speaking from her true self. My mother is like her in many ways and particularly in that regard. Sometimes I wish I could say I was.
Yes, I have the creativity and the ingenuity. I have a hearty laugh and my heart is often on my sleeve. But, when I look at myself I don’t see that thing that my grandfather lovingly admired. Maybe it’s there somewhere, buried underneath my habits and complacency and status quo, but at the moment I feel mired in predictability–my own predictable tendencies. And I ask myself, “where is that thing that ‘bears watching?'”
Where is that thing that makes people pay attention in spite of themselves? Where is that thing that makes those around me wonder what’s happening next? Where is that thing that takes charge of my existence and wrestles it firmly into grasp? Where is that thing that demands more than simple crumbs from the feast of life and is willing to take hold of the spoon?
Somehow in my growing and learning and living, I’ve awakened to a girl I don’t know. A woman content to accept silence. A woman content to be molded by the foolishness of others. A woman content to settle for less than that feast. It’s not the woman I want to be.
Sometimes the hardest thing is going against my own bent–to resist the urge to be myself. That self that has become so accepting and passive. The self who isn’t who I want her to be, whose complacency doesn’t demand that closer look. No, sometimes the best way to be able to truly be myself is to resist the urge to do just that. It seems strange.
Self is a funny thing–some amalgum of past actions, future hopes and all the seeing and being seen in between. Sometimes I get in my own way. Because I can so easily default to my own tendencies in dealing with people and situations, my reactions can become inauthentic. They become habit. They facilitate bad habits. They communicate things that aren’t true. Without my even realizing it. They enable. They make decisions for my without my involvement. They set the course for future actions. Yes, sometimes my own blind predictability is my worst enemy.
One evening last week, I saw something. I saw that woman I want to be. Just a glimpse. In a moment of rebellion against myself, I spoke about things. Things that matter to me. I made demands. About things that are important to me. About deal-breakers. I insisted. On the way I want things to be. I rejected. The shallow nonsense and what merely sounds good. And I saw her.
There she was. That girl. The one who “bears watching.”
Hello & welcome! I’m Haley Montgomery, and I’m the designer and owner of 
Haley — that was SO awesome. One of my fav blogs you’ve written. So very personal. Thank you for sharing. I could relate on several levels. You are so gifted!!
Merry Christmas to you and your family. 🙂