I’m behind.  Again.  This post has been procrastinated and interrupted so many times that it’s dangerously close to being ridiculous.  Still, I am compelled to write it.  Compelled by whom, it’s hard to say.  Maybe by glances at the multitude of now-outdated January magazine issues boasting 276, 10 or just 1 brilliant way to do something or another “new” with your life in 2009.  Maybe by society’s continual quest for “more” and “new”, the rat race of discontent.  Maybe by my own thinking.  Where do resolutions come from?

Thinking is a funny thing.  I think.  Although I do it constantly, it tends to be something I plan to do.  I have a running mental list of topics, choices, concerns, and ideas that need further mulling in order for me to decide on a stance–thoughts that have been relegated to the pile of “this requires more brain capacity than I have available at the moment.”  It happens especially when I’m feeling overwhelmed in mind, spirit and schedule.  That’s where I’ve been.  But, invariably if left unattended, those thoughts sometimes gain strength and power, bunch together with other thoughts, jump on board with various reminders from the world of my experience and wriggle their way to the top.

Thus, the resolution post.

It started as an obligation, something I felt I ought to do if I call myself a thinking, responsible human being.  And, of course, any self-respecting blogger must post said obligation for all the internets to see and thereby hold virtually accoutable.  Ick.  Plus, shouldn’t I prove myself to be a “now” woman by adopting some habits to better myself and my surroundings in the year to come?  Double ick.  Since nearly 1/6th of the year is behind me, the ship of self-motivated, on-top-of-it Super Woman has clearly sailed.  Still, my mind has been insistent on resolution-making in some form.  How can I pay attention, if I can’t look at where I am, where I want to be, and how to get there?  I even Googled “resolution” to try to gain some inspiration/motivation.  You’ll be happy to know that the U.S. Government offers a glimpse at 13 popular New Year’s Resolutions.  Thank you.  About.com showcases a bunch of top ten resolutions, and not your average ones.  There’s a top 10 list of resolutions for everything from your yard to your human resources department.  Oh, triple ick.  This year’s inspiration was hard to come by.

I usually take the 252 approach to New Year’s Resolutions–following Jesus’ model of growth found in Luke 2:52. (More on that in part 2.)  But, this year, I just couldn’t start there.  My thoughts were too scattered.  Still, I wanted to come up with at least some semblance of a resolution before the year got away from me.  Then, I came across a post at slightlycosmopolitan.com [awesome blog, btw] that inspired me.  She described reading on one of her favorite blogs [don’t know the one :(] about the concept of a theme word for the year.  She described it as:

“choosing a word to represent your year, a word that inspires and centers you, a word that reminds you what’s most important and what’s at the heart of all your other goals.”

Wow!  It was satori, boo-yow, an aha moment, whatever.  It struck me as the very thing I needed.  I started with the basic question:  What do I want to be different about my life this year?  The core-level answer bubbled up almost immediately, and I’ve been brainstorming on it ever since.  I’ll be sharing it soon (I promise) because it’s at the end of the resolution story, but the beginning of the resolve.  And, I hope to explore it in greater detail at EyeJunkie as the year progresses.  But first, the 2nd part of where resolution come from…

My children have a collection of Peanuts movies that sometimes rotate to the top of their favorite requests–requests that send us flying through the calendar celebrating various holidays at crazy times.  Last week we were celebrating Thanksgiving with repeated viewings of “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” and “The Mayflower Voyages.”  I like Peanuts.  Mr. Schulz was not above using the words “God” or “blockhead” in a children’s program when appropriate.  I like that.

“A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving” is the story of how Peppermint Patty invites herself and several friends over to Charlie Brown’s house for Thanksgiving dinner.  It’s a celebration of how fast Snoopy can make buttered toast, how “wishy-washy” Charlie Brown can be and how bulldozer-like Peppermint Patty can be.  In the immortal words of our wishy-washy friend in the striped shirt, “You can’t explain anything to Peppermint Patty because you never get to say anything.”  

In the end, Marcie reminds us that, “thanksgiving is more than eating… we should just be thankful for being together.  I think that’s what they mean by thanksgiving, Charlie Brown.”  How true.  

In looking back through some of my past journals, reviewing signposts on my inner journey that may have been forgotten, I’ve been reminded that a thankful attitude is one way to right our view of others and usher in intimacy–with one another and with God.  When difficult times, discouragement or my own wrong attitudes take a toll on my closeness with God, thanksgiving becomes the key to being together again.

“Enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise.  Give thanks to Him; bless His name.  For the Lord is good; His lovingkindness is everlasting, and His faithfulness to all generations.” (psalm 100:4-5)

Thanksgiving helps us to enter God’s presence.  It is the gateway that leads to His courts.  It is the starting point in setting our attitude and vision of God straight when it may have gotten off track.  When we approach God with thanksgiving, we acknowledge Who is responsible for our blessings, our salvation, our life.  Thanking God for the things He has done for us and for Who He is to us silences a complaining and questioning spirit.  It makes communion with Him possible.

Thanksgiving helps to dispel doubts about God that may have crept in because it focuses our attention on how His true character has been manifested in our lives in tangible ways.  In recognizing His true character, we are able to enter His courts with praise.  By developing a heart of gratitude toward God, we give Him credit for His goodness in our lives.  If I choose to thank God, I choose to recognize His faithfulness.  I can see that He proves His own character by his goodness, lovingkindness and faithfulness in my life.

Thanksgiving opens the gate to praise, which leads me to the place where God resides.  Complaints are forsaken.  Doubts are put to rest.  Closeness is restored.  And, it’s not even November.

“I can’t wait until Bug can use his words.”

“I can’t wait until Drummer Boy learns to use the big potty.”

“I can’t wait until the business starts to be more consistent.”

“I can’t wait to see Baby Girl M on the outside.”

“I can’t wait until this summer heat is gone.”

Sometimes I spend so much time looking forward to a time when things will be different that I miss the daily joy and blessing of now.  We swore we wouldn’t do that with our children–getting caught up in anticipation of the next stage.  And, usually that’s the easy one.  Even in trying moments, we are still able to say “not yet!”  We are anxious to see the boys’ next steps, but not too quickly.  We can see the joy in soaking up all the current stage has to offer in sweet moments, cute sayings, wide-eyed grins and the fact that they still want to give us hugs and kisses.

It’s the other life situations that get us.  Those grown-up struggles with work, money, relationships–life–are the ones about which we can so easily say “there’s nothing to gain here.” We get tired and frustrated.  We want to move on.  We can’t envision joy, happiness or blessing in the given circumstances.  It’s like we’re in perpetual intermission, waiting for the next act to begin.

I’m reminded of a simple prayer my mother has often prayed:  “Lord, help me to learn quickly.”

It carries with it the basic understanding that there is a purpose in every situation.  There is something valuable to learn that can move us further along to a place of joy.  When the circumstances are tough, when they are hard to endure, all we can do is learn quickly.  Glean what God has for us so that He can move us forward.  Finding the purpose means finding the blessing.  Now.

“I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage. Yes, wait for the Lord.” (psalm 27:13-14)

God is good now.  His promises aren’t confined to streets of gold.  I can experience His abundance, His eternal joy and peace here on earth today–in my real life, regardless of the circumstances.  I CAN “see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”  It is available immediately.

If I spend my days on earth waiting to be happy, and I measure that happiness by the people, jobs and things in my life, then I will live in perpetual disappointment.  If I can learn to see the goodness of the Lord where I am living now (rather than where I might be), then I will fall on my knees in gratitude for what He has given me.  I can learn to be content and accept the wisdom He has for me in THIS moment.  I will not spend my energy complaining or hoping for a better day.  I will not be so presumptuous as to discount the gifts of the Lord because they are not what I had in mind.  I can trust Him to fulfill my desires, and flourish within His blessings.

For the wonder of each our
of the day and of the night
hill and vale and tree and flow’r,
sun and moon, and stars of light:
Christ our God,
to Thee we raise
this our hymn
of grateful praise.

For the joy of human love,
brother, sister, parent, child,
friends on earth, and friends above,
for all gentle thoughts and mild:
Christ our God,
to Thee we raise
this our hymn
of grateful praise.

“For the Beauty of the Earth”
by Folliot Pierpont

“Do you wish to get well?”  That was the question that caught my attention as I read this story from the New Testament — an account of a desperate man in need of healing.  In need of hope more.

“Now there is in Jerusalem by the sheep gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew Bethesda, having five porticoes. In these lay a multitude of those who were sick, blind, lame, and withered, waiting for the moving of the waters; for an angel of the Lord went down at certain seasons into the pool and stirred up the water; whoever then first, after the stirring up of the water, stepped in was made well from whatever disease with which he was afflicted.

A man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he had already been a long time in that condition, He said to him, 

‘Do you wish to get well?’

The sick man answered Him, ‘Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me. Jesus said to him, ‘Get up, pick up your pallet and walk.’ Immediately the man became well, and picked up his pallet and began to walk. Now it was the Sabbath on that day.” (John 5:2-9)

I am 38 years old.  I don’t know how old this man was, but he had been ill as long as I’m alive.  He’d spent those years day after day waiting for an opportunity for healing — the stirring of the waters — only for someone else to jump ahead of him.  Maybe they were more agile, maybe more motivated, maybe they had more help, or maybe they just coveted the power of the stirring for more trivial maladies.  Regardless, he’d spent 38 years losing his place in line.

Imagine the disappointment and despair each time.  He probably didn’t even pay much attention to the rustle of the waters any longer.  What was the use?

Then, a man named Jesus stopped by Bethesda one day.  Of all the multitudes of afflicted waiting by the pool, Jesus walked up to this man (not by accident, I’m sure.)  Jesus knew that he had spent what probably seemed like a lifetime in this condition.  He knew each disappointment, each and every slighted moment.  But,what a question!

“Do you wish to get well?”

Why ask?  As I read, my first thought was “duh!”  Dumb question.  Was Jesus just making small talk?  Was He looking for a conversation starter?  Was he distracted?  Did He have some need to be asked, a vain acknowledgement of His power?  Was he mocking the man’s past efforts?

No. I know from my Bible that Jesus was not dumb, nor did He lack the ability to cut to the chase.  He seemed to always move with purpose and with kindness and forethought.  He certainly was not self-centered or vain — the cross is evidence of that.  So, maybe my impression of a dumb question was actually the most important question.

Maybe the man had gotten so tired and disappointed that his hope, the possibility of healing, had become dim.  Maybe it had almost flickered out.  Maybe after all these years, it was a question the man needed to answer.  Maybe his lack of hope had become the true barrier to healing.  Was the question meant as a reminder to fan the flame of faith again?

The man’s answer revealed the depth of his despair.  “Sir I have no man…”  There was noone.  He was resigned.  But, perhaps the soul search that question provided begged an answer so greatly that the man was forced to stare down despair.  The waters of his spirit were stirred.  He was confronted with a decision of faith, a call to action.  It’s time to move.

And, this time there was Someone to help him step into the waters of hope and be healed.  “Get up.  Pick up your pallet and walk.”  He had encountered the only man who would help him — the only many who could.  That man was Jesus.